Do's and Dont's: Tips for your stay in Madrid.

1. AIRPORT TO CITY CENTRE.  A Taxi will set you back €30.00 so get the Metro.  Here's how.  When you exit Arrivals, take a deep breath.  Even if you do not speak Spanish, it really is so easy to get to the city centre by Metro.  It is also clean, safe and cheap (€4.50).  Now follow the symbol for METRO.  Once you get here, slide down the escalator to the station foyer with loads of tickets machines and bewildered tourists.  Get in a queue.  Woohoo, almost there.  The touch screen machines all have little flags indicating the language options.  Select your flag and follow the instructions in your native tongue  (OK, so they don't offer Lingala,- complaints to . . . ).  Select your ticket.  There is only one option for the city (your destination should be the metro station called Nuevos Ministerios (the Pink Line - LINE 8) - this is also the last stop on the short journey to the city form the airport.  Insert your coins, cash or card (oops - don't panic - sometimes the machines take cards only - no card? get in a new line).  The trains are rarely more than 7 minutes apart.  The trip to Nuevos Ministerios takes about 12 minutes!  Once arrived, you are now in the hub of several metro lines from where you can journey to any part of the city.  You will need a new ticket for the next section of your metro trip.  Prices depend on destination varying from €1.50 to €2.00 (still cheap by European standards).  All trains are very frequent and reliable with relatively short distances between stops.  Bienvenida a Madrid!

2. DON'T BE OFFENDED. Madrileños are no delicate flowers in the vein of Victorian courtesans.  You can take your chivalry and Anglo-Saxon etiquette and park it in your hotel safe once you get here.  Madrid is a city of over six and half million souls in a relatively tight and mostly hot space.  Here, if you went about your days holding doors, stepping aside and indulging in fawning politeness, you will probably end up looking like Sols's wife and you won't see much of the Spanish capital as a result.  No doubt about it, New Englander's, Confederates, the Irish, Japanese, Nordics and Southern English will at times find the attitude and bullish behaviour of Madrid society bordering on the downright rude.  If you don't speak Spanish, there is a chance you might find yourself standing open jawed and horrified at the b(m)oorish manner Madrileños occupy street pavments, hog alleyways, let doors swing, seem oblivious to the the phrases, "please" and "thank you" and generally move about about slow moving bulldozers (not to mention the invariably attached leashes and dogs in which you are sure to become entangled).  So are the Madrileños a bunch of ignoramuses? Of course not.  So, ditch your prissiness!  There is a presumption of politeness in spoken Spanish, which doesn't require the Castellanos to express pleases, thank yous and appreciations with same overbearing frequency of a New York corporate lawyer.  The Madrid pavement is tantamount to an open plan living room in which Madrileños live a substantial part of their lives. They own the pavement in a way humankind from further north may never appreciate.  So don't you come into the living room and try to re-set the rules.  Move evasively for peace of mind.  If you are blessed with an ability to communicate in Spanish, you will certainly find it difficult to disagree with the assertion that, aside from a heated temperament reflecting a hot and changeable climate, few cities boast such a helpful, amiable and enthusiastic people, largely genuinely interested in meeting and welcoming people from other cultures.

3. DON'T BE SURPRISED.  If like most visitors you are dying to plant yourself on one of Madrid's countless terraces for an open air refreshment and soak up the warm breeze, people watch or just watch the day go by, don't be surprised if the waiter looks at you with a stunned look of disbelief when you order a gin and tonic at twelve noon. There is an unspoken "how to and when to" regarding  what goes into your "vaso" and when.  Unless you don't mind the occasional sneer for being an ignorant foreigner who hasn't a clue about the rules of engagement on the terrace, or you are happy to be taken for a blind roaring alcoholic, there are times of the day when you need to know what you can drink with impunity.  Beer for instance is generally regarded as a water substitute in Madrid and can be drunk at any time of the day.  But, to avoid loud chortling, it might be best not to order a "jarra" (pint) before 5pm.  Have a "caña" (short glass) before noon, if you must and a "doble" (large glass up to 5pm).   Order vermouth at noon and be prepared to perform CPR on your camarero!  Down wine before lunch and accept the final Rites if the old lady at your neighbouring table offers them.  There is hope however.  "La caña de las ocho" - the almost religiously kept appointment for a pre-dinner drinks at 8pm in Madrid - marks the point at which you can leap with naked Scandinavian fervour into the entire drinks cabinet. Salud!

4.  AVOID THE MENU DEL DIA AT YOUR PERIL.  Eat your way into your wallet with the habitual lunchtime sandwich.  In Madrid, a coke or beer with a sandwich will cost you the guts of the full traditional three course meal  (with bread and drink) in which Madrileños habitually indulge from about  1.30pm to 4pm daily.  The 'Menu del Dia' is a Madrid staple. Costing usually in the range €9.00 to €13.00, it usually consists of a starter, main, desert or tea/ coffee with bread and a drink (wine or beer) included (note - the 'Menu del Dia' on a terrace may involve a surcharge so most locals eat indoors).  This a great way to sample standard Madrileño cuisine.  The standards can vary quite a bit, but sticking to a gazpacho followed by a fish dish combo will usually yield satisfied tummy.  Relax with the folk from the hood and watch the manner in which they relish the substantial lunch break as an opportunity to park work and engage in animated and lively discourse on everything from last night's Barca v. Real (don't mention the war!) to  the health service (yawn!). Buena comida!


5. DO NOT JAY WALK.  Madrileños respect the little green man like no other force of law and order on the planet.  They may spray graffiti on every inanimate object they can find, skateboard down the right lane of Princesa street in the midst of maniac traffic and screeching cop cars, they may occupying vast swathes of the city in defiance of all reason to celebrate the opening of a match box, or drink "botellon" in giddy groups (plastic bags of various boozey contents) on every doorstep higher than 1cm and, of course, go on strike with the regularity of Sunday services, but dare you defy the little red man!!  Of course, nothing is more certain to assure your untimely demise than jaywalking in Madrid.  The orange light means nothing here.  Only red means slow or stop.  Since cars hurtle about the street here like they were fired out of a  sling shot (there is always the possibility that the driver has a few cervezas on board), you are best to do as the locals (including the gum chewing chavs and the hard core tattooed rock teens - no one is too cool to wait for the little green man) and stand your ground. 

6.  GET OFF THE TIRED TOURIST TRAIL.  An awful lot of people have an awfully limited view of Madrid during their visit.  They  skulk about a certain trajectory like a school of orphaned whale cubs, drifting bewteen the Royal palace and the Paseo del Prado taking in the centre highlights; Plaza del Sol, Opera, Las Letras, The Rastro (Sundays only), Debod, Gran Via, La Latina occasionally popping up for oxygen in other quarters.  The foregoing is, in fairness, a lot to see in any break but for all their emblematic architectural and artistic value, this narrow central zone of Madrid is not really representative of the soul of the city.  A good visit to Madrid therefore really should poke its nose around a few alternative corners.  Suggestion are: a) La Tabacalera  (Lavapies district). This 19th Century retired Tobacco factory is today a semi decayed monstrosity of corridors, catacombs, chambers, halls and offices, dedicated to the alternative arts seen with rooms and facilities for community and emigrants groups, circus acts, rehersals, jugglers, and an array of creative street and visual artists. Undergoing constant renovation and clearly in need of some love and cash, the Tabacalera is a fascinating insight into community, activism, art and the alternative scene in Madrid.  Part London's Camden town or Portobello Market, part Copenhagen's Christiana with a shot of Rastarianism thrown in, this site is an institution and one of those surprising urban organisms that leaves a lasting impression. B) In the opposite direction, north of Gran Via, Madrid shelters a maze of old tightly packed and often cobbled streets between San Bernardo and Fuencarral streets.  The area broadly known as Tribunal and Malasaña is the hotbed of Madrid night-life with endless bars, cafès and niche shops and craft stores where you can simply grab a drink in olde worlde (Madrid) style, learn how to sew over a coffee, or paint your own vase with a glass of wine. These back streets hide a myriad of thriving arts enterprises from sitting room sized theatre to retail fashion, books and coffee, and music clubs. Wander if you will.

7.  SWIMMING OR RUNNING.  It often amazed me in Dublin to see travelling folk and holidaymakers (who clearly were not locals) jogging around Stephen's Green early mornings.  The Yanks (and my sister Neasa) are great for that kind of thing! Two days in Dublin and they bring their running gear.  Of course, not being a super sports fanatic, the whole concept of working out on holidays is alien to me, but then, if somebody told me that you could come to a city like Madrid and have the possibility to lounge by a fine big, clean, spacious pool in thirty degree heat all day for €4.00, I would have scoffed cynically into my Guinness.  Hello! The City Council of Madrid runs a number of public pools at the perimeter of the city (north, south, east and west), all within easy access by metro, completely open to the public and, for the princely sum I have just mentioned, you can come with your gear, pitch your towel and picnic bag (the latter not being essential as all sports complexes have subsidised cafès and bars, which are cheap and well stocked with anything from snacks to full dinners) and  unwind.  The best of such sports complexes is at metro Lago in the Casa del Campo only two stops from downtown.  There is a large array of green spaces, sheltered tree lines knolls and parkland to set up your day camp.  The centre at Lago has a choice of three pools you can wander between; an excellent olympic sized pool, a somewhat shallower and smaller Medium pool and (for those with little ones) a kid's pool!  The centre houses excellent and clean changing facilities with hot and cold showers. It is spacious, safe and friendly with ample friendly ground, security and life guard staff.  While it is always advisable not to carry valuables, you can leave your stuff on your patch while you go for a dip.  Madrileños will often whine and whinge about the pools being too crowded, but over the course of this summer with the exception  of one or two days, which were quite busy, I have had a really positive experience and lots of healthy swims to enjoy.  The best times to come (and beat the crowds) are usually in the mornings before the high heat of the day starts to accumulate after 3pm.  If you do stay all day, be sure to hide out of the high sun, which is extremely strong in July and August.  Alternatively, if you cannot swim, but really fancy burning those cals before breakfast you can always don your pumps and head for Retiro for a consistent and mostly flat gravel track run.  Better still, hit the gravel hills of the Parque del Oeste for a stiffer challenge to those pins.  For those into distance or speed runs (or with tender ankles) there is an excellent 1200 metre astro turf track in the free Parque Santander (Metro Canal).  Buen deportivo!

8. TIPS FOR TIPPING. This is the one every body gets all flustered about. True, isn't it?  Firstly, taxis are generally not tipped.  Hotel room attendants and porters are also usually exempted from obligatory tipping too, but, if you choose, €2 - 5 is acceptable. Madrileños do not as a general rule tip much and sometimes not at all.  The Menu del Dia, for instance, is not generally regarded a tipping meal.  If you want to leave a token for your very charming camarero, then 5% is sufficient for this lunch course.  Drinks or tapas at the bar (standing) do not require tipping.  If you choose to leave a tip here then it is typically a token or 2% - anything more is your call.  Tipping on the terrace or seated indoors for drinks, similarly, does not involve a large tip, but if you eat on the terrace after 5pm, then, as with evening meals, 5% is considered a fair basic tip.  A percentile or two more should be considered for good service. Service does not usually come included but do check the menu or with your waiter of you a large group to avoid doubt. Do not leave large cash tips in trays on the terrace table. Give it directly to your attendant and don't tip in salt or dollars. Spain is in the Eurozone (for now at least!).  Buen provecho!

9.  CON MEN. They are everywhere.  While we all need to be vigilant, in the street and in the metro, as a tourist sitting on the terrace, chances are despite your best efforts to fit in, you look like a goose in long grass.  It could be your knee length tartan socks, or your brash Tennessee drawl, or maybe even that mothball purple rinse you sport with pride.  Whatever it is, there's a con man potentially eyeing the IPhone you have sitting in front of you or your swish Sony slimline 3D digital 20X zoom camera with built in soda stream (lucky you!).  A well established Madrid trick, which continues to yield results for its purveyors, is to approach the 'Guiri' (Gringo - to you and me) table and lay a sheet of paper in front of him while distracting the poor sod with some rambling gibberish.  While Mr. Mcleod-socks-man is trying to read the garbled hieroglyphs and understand the quasi aramaic jabberings of his uninvited attendee, the said hawk is busy using his invisible hand to pocket the shiny device, which caught his eye.  

10.   Madrid is waiting,  What are you waiting for?