Dear Lord, give us patience. How on earth do humans manage to make things so difficult for themselves. Take house hunting in Madrid. So you find a place you like (and therein lies a whole other story) and you now want to seal the deal. So what would you expect except a barrage of bureaucratic hoops and loops designed to frustrate any possible semblance of expeditious contractual satisfaction. Apart from the requirement to organise a deposit (nothing unusual there so far), the landlord will also require a bank guarantee for several months rent (ok, getting a little onerous, but manageable maybe) and to cap it all off you, yes you the tenant, must pay the Letting Agency for the privilege of them having been found by you. Where else on God's little green earth to you pay for a product and then get charged a premium for having the brazenness to like it in the first place? Hallloooo! Would it not make more sense for one to drop by any old letting agency and throw them a couple of grand just in passing? "Hola querido, I just came out to buy some huevos for breakfast and ye know what, I felt like shafting myself - so there you go pet, a grand for you and we are all happy now".
That's not the end of it.
Agent - Can ju please make sure de deposit comes fronn a Spanish bank, graaciaaaas.
Frazzled tenant - What the hell does it matter if it came out of a lemur's backside if its real green-back, por favor?!
Agent - Oh and de guarantee too, graaciaaaaas.
Frazzled tenant - does it matter which Spanish Bank? oh, forget it. And your fee . . . the shafting charge?
Agent - And do not forget de VAT, Graaciaaas.
Frazzled tenant - Would you like me to suck a grenade?
Agent - Ju need a resident card to open a bank account.
Frazzled tenant - Of course I do, luckily for me I have three nipples. Any other conditions?
Agent - It takes two months to get a meeting with the immigration office for ju to get a residency card, Si.
Frazzled tenant - But the lease is supposed to start next week!!?
Agent -
Frazzled tenant - I am European Citizen . . .
Agent - Ju need to have an address too to get a residency card and ju need a letter from jour landlord to say ju are a resident. Evidamente.
Frazzled tenant - How could I have overlooked such an obvious prerequisite? Silly, me. Ok, Alice, lets go back through the mirror and start again.
Agent - Que?
(Tumble weed blows down the street as Agent walks to car drives away into the distance).
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